Death Cafe facilitator, Susan Coffey and participants get involved with death.
The reflection of mortality and making the most of one’s (finite) life happens over brownies and tea. Coffey believes, “it’s easier to have a tender conversation with food.” At the death café, people gather to eat cake. Coffey does brownies instead. The café’s objective is to increase awareness about death with a view to helping others, according to the death cafe website. The meeting time and place happen through Coffey, via email (found at the end of this article). One misconception is the attendees are gothic-type people, “I have had ER nurses, policemen, and firefighters in attendance. Even parents are welcome to bring their kids, based on the level of maturity.” According to Coffey, the youngest person was 8 years old, while the oldest was 82 years old.
The chatter of death is not morbid. There are no guests and no themes. All who attend are speakers if they choose to do so. When views are shared, “it’s not meant to change minds, or be a therapy session? Being mindful of this I watch conversations to make sure it’s not taking a therapy tone. Death Cafe is intended to be an open-minded, respectful conversation.”
Covered conversations have been “Right to die, what to do with the body (non-flame cremation, donating a body to science,) why be afraid to die if you believe in heaven.” Coffey and participants will depart from the discussion and do things that inspire them to be hands-on about expiring.
Medical Expectation
Coffey says when it comes to health care directives people generally say, “One day I’ll get this done in writing.” At the Death Café, the participants wrote out their five wishes in the event they became incapacitated.
According to Coffey, the five wishes is a workbook that uses a document that “speaks” for the person who is incapacitated. It is a legal document accepted by hospitals as part of the care directives, done before a person dies. The five wishes are a part of six documents needed for a person.
The six documents are:
- 5 wishes (or another similar form)
- Durable Medical Power of Attorney
- Durable Financial Power of Attorney
- Last Will
- Body Disposition Form
- HIPPA
Deceased Delights
As a facilitator, Coffey says, “I learn from the participants. Especially the different perspectives on death.” When Coffey dies, she wants to be lowered into the ground. “No coffin, no embalming. Just wrap me up in a nice cotton sheet. I do want a reception.” In regard to death rituals, she likes the Hispanic holiday Day of the Dead.
The celebration happened on November 1 and 2 of 2022. The Mexican holiday lasts two days. It’s a celebration of life and death, with families creating offerings to honor their deceased ancestors. Popular foods and drinks are sugar skulls, tamales, and spirits (the alcoholic kind). Coffey and the participants were impressed by the Day of the Dead so much, they had their own honor party.
The foods, she says, “brought to the Death Café, the honor of our beloveds who passed.” Participants brought everything from funeral potatoes, like Cracker Barrel’s hashbrown casserole, to a variety of desserts—brownies and pies. The foods are family or close-to-family recipes.
Coffey believes death is a great equalizer and she says of herself, “I have a great relationship with death.” Growing up with a father who was a biology teacher, “We had critters at home. When they died, we buried them.”
Professionally, Coffey was an EMT and worked in hospice care. Through hospice, Coffey met the woman facilitating the Death Café. When the woman had served her years in death, she passed the torch to Coffey, who has facilitated the Death Café for nearly 10 years.
Her Final Breath
This year, Coffey and her friend drove from Pueblo to Kansas City.
“What should have taken us eight hours, took us 18 hours. A storm also occurred.” Coffey says, one minute she and her friend are laughing, and the next minute, they are having a great conversation as they went through farm country.
Being able to spend time with a friend, and have a great adventure leads Coffey to this conclusion? “What a great day to die?”
To learn more about Death Café, visit deathcafe.com
To contact Susan email: Goingmywaydeathcare@gmail.com.
