The holiday season requires special understanding and a lighter touch of post-partum moms.
“I really can’t stay – baby it’s cold outside – I gotta go away – baby it’s cold outside.”
The thought of cold forced social interactions.
The longing to go away and have quiet time in a clean home.
The frustration around verbalizing a boundary only for it not to be listened to or respected by demanding, inconsiderate in-laws.
These popular song lyrics can attest to what new mothers may be feeling this holiday season, but rather than experiencing the discomfort of cold weather outside, there’s a smoldering fire inside that nobody seems to notice.
We can be mindful of preventing the fire from starting in the first place rather than letting it build because we can’t see the flames.
Bombarded by Family Members During Post-Partum Time
New moms are already bombarded by family members’ requests and questions.
Are we having turkey for dinner? You know your little cousin is allergic. I hope you keep the cats in the basement since your aunt hates them with a fervent passion. When was the last time you dusted your coffee table? It’s filthy! I know you’re breastfeeding right now, but the baby is just so cute!
All these questions whirl around a new mother’s mind while she attempts to process them individually; and to top it off, touching the baby that results in disruption of the feeding process.
Practice More Compassion for a New Mom
These statements and behaviors may lack compassion, but they are all too common over the holidays. They can have an especially negative impact on a brand-new mother due to the inherent lack of sleep and the enormous life transition they are beginning to experience.
Add to that the pressure of having a perfectly decorated and clean home as well as the discomfort that comes with healing for mothers who physically birthed. If we aren’t supporting new moms with a mindful awareness of their actual needs, we may end up causing harm.
Supporting New Moms Over the Holidays
Below are some ways we can help support new moms this holiday season.
Respect their boundaries. If a new mother says no, stop whatever you are doing. You stop asking questions, you stop making requests, you just stop.
As a mother myself, I can attest to experiencing this with the birth of both of my babies. Demands made by family members that I said no to and was subsequently met with arguments around my reasoning for such. I Remember so vividly in the haze of my sleep-deprived state, having to exhaust myself even more with constant reminders and requests to please not kiss the newborn baby. This happened with both of my children. I was met with arguments, egos, and at one point, was asked to provide an article about the research on disease transmission through kissing a newborn baby. All I could think about was that I wished the family members would just kindly respect how I felt and what I asked of them.
It may not make sense to the non-birthing person, but it doesn’t have to. Just respect it. You don’t need to know her reasons why, you just need to be aware of how your behaviors and words are having a negative impact on her and that you need to cease.
Visiting a New Mom and the Baby
A mother may request that if you visit, you help in some way. Whether this is bringing a meal, folding laundry or cleaning her house. If the new mother does not request this, be mindful that she might need this but not know how to ask for help.
You can always ask what would be helpful for her when you visit. A new mother may want this time to spend bonding with her baby, not having other people come over to hold her baby so she can catch up on chores.
On the other hand, perhaps if the new mother has a baby with colic, she may need a break from the baby. This does not automatically mean she is going to turn into a Molly Maid, but that she may want rest. Offer to hold the baby so she can nap. If she says no, respect her wishes.
Do not expect to hold the baby. If she does let you hold the baby, respect her wishes for the level of physical interaction. If she says don’t kiss the baby, DON’T KISS THE BABY! Babies might look oh-so kissable, but they have extremely fragile immune systems. A new mom is already overwhelmed with fear and may be experiencing post-partum anxiety).
When you see her, she may look a mess, but if you have minimal understanding of what a new mother goes through, it’s normal. Compliment her on something about her, within her home, etc. The last thing new mothers need is criticism about their house, their looks, and especially, how they are choosing to mother or what the baby needs.
Think this behavior sounds far-fetched? Unfortunately, it is all too common, especially from overly comfortable family members with little understanding of boundaries. That is why it is so important to approach a new mom with a sense of compassion, empathy and acceptance, especially over the holidays.
So, bring a gift. Offer to do some chores. Offer to hold the baby so she can sleep. Whatever her wishes are this holiday season, grant them – and do so without judgment.
Outstanding!