Catherine Reitman, star of Netflix’s television series “Working Moms,” was recently interviewed on being a working mother herself as it relates to the content she produces and writes for the series. A quote from the interview has now viral. It reads: “Being a working mother is impossible.”
This statement has gone viral because it resonates with working mothers. I know when I saw the quote circulating around Facebook and Instagram, I had to read the article.
As I scanned the article, I could feel the physical sensations of my emotions validated. It felt like a release of pressure and weight. Someone understood. Someone finally gets it.
Working Moms and Maternity Leave in America
Maternity leave in the United States is comparable to working mothers being given a menu of gourmet meals with gourmet meal price tags, only to be tossed a few crumbs on a platter with a nice plating arrangement. This is almost metaphorical for when moms on maternity leave say they are drowning, only to be met with a toxically positive statement of, “You can do it!”
A lot of women are lucky to get three months unpaid. Few out there get three months, or more, paid. The stark reality for a lot of us is that there isn’t a maternity leave, and its existence operates somewhat like mythical creatures such as unicorns.
Working moms who run their own businesses are 1099 contractors, mental health therapists, etc., have a much more difficult time taking time off and are burdened with the financial stress of losing pay in the time they take off even if they had attempted to budget for it in the previous months.
Another misconception is that if there is maternity leave, is somehow a vacation for working mothers from their jobs. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In the first few months after a baby is born, a mother may be physically healing if she gave birth, learning to breastfeed (which is no walk in the park), while also enduring hormonal rollercoasters and severe sleep deprivation. She may be learning to balance new routines and still trying to take care of other small children in the home as well.
Returning to Work
When working moms do return to work, a lot of the time they are adding the stresses of childcare consistency onto their plate. As a working mother myself, if I had a dime for every time, I had to find backup childcare, work from home with sick kids, or simply miss work because of the childcare situation, I would be a millionaire.
Think of all those dimes. For a lot of working moms, there is this constant, mild to moderate anxiety floating around in our heads about when we are going to need to drop everything and scramble to figure out our childcare situation.
If you are familiar with the invisible mental load, this is another factor that generally falls on working moms as a responsibility. Imagine walking around with this anxiety and how much energy it depletes within the invisible mental load.
The Invisible Mental Load
In case you are wondering what the invisible mental load, it is the invisible labor involved in managing a household. This responsibility falls on many working moms.
So, while a working mom is managing work calendars for deadlines, meetings, and client appointments, she is also keeping a running list in her head of vaccine schedules, developmental milestones, backup babysitters, meal-planning, vacation-planning, etc. the list goes on and on.
As a candle burns, wax gets depleted and evaporates into the air. Eventually, the candle is left with nothing else to evaporate, and the wick stands alone. Someone may walk by the candle, notice it is out of wax, and choose to either throw it away or re-fill it.
For working moms, noticing when their internal candle is out of wax is not so easy because it is invisible, just like their mental loads.
How can we Help Working Moms?
First, if you’re thinking of telling her how great she is doing, just stop. Working moms don’t need motivational pep talks. We need real help. This can look like having a conversation with partners about dividing up the household management. This can also become a broader, more systemic issue with inadequate recovery time and rising costs of faulty, unavailable, or inconsistent childcare.
The most important piece, however, is that you ask and listen to a working mom. You may not be able to solve the economic and social issues around maternity leave in this country, but you can hear her vent. Sometimes hearing her vent without offering toxic positivity or a pep talk can serve as giving her a little bit of wax to keep her candle burning.
